Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The Great Depression

Growing up in the 90s the world was full of cliches in music.  Before I started to type tonight, been listening to tunes, "Losing All" by Down and "under the bridge" by the chili peppers.  Listening to theses songs today Im just like shits gotta be more than just being about heroin.  When I listen to that RHCP song, im just like Ive felt that way many a times in life.  Over like a year time span I lost my grandma, a very very good loyal friend, and a woman who was like a mother to me, all in a year.  Thinking back on those deaths and song Im like, Ive been down and sad and felt alone, Hell Im married with three kids and somehow felt lost, disgruntled and alll alone, didnt go to substances, but I dont think I really moved on from their passsing.  Now Ive been pretty open about how I DO NOT regret anything I have done in life ( well a couple but we'll get to those later), cause I feel that everything you do has consequences, good or bad, whether the outcome is positive or negative, I feellike life is just one big LEARNING journey, we learn from ours and othe rmistakes, and try to improve from their.

One of the few things n life I do regret is not saying goodbye or spending more time with those three before they passed,  I had numerous opportunities to , but brushed them off like " tomorrow" or " next week".  I had 3 chances to make shit right and atleast say I love them one more time.  I didnt.  Three chances, can you believe that.  Now all three of them were some of the greatest, most loving, kind, giving, beautiful people I was blessed to have in my life in general.  Alex would give his shirt for anyone,  Grandma always gave that unconditional grandma love, and Gen was more of a mother to me than my own mothe rwas to me.  Gen gave my wife a chance got to know her and loved her,  and trust me Gen hated almost every woman in me and my brother Jarrods life, but for some reason we'll never know but like her.  But dont get me wrong though even ass a grown ass man she would still jump in my shit when I was fucking up, or being silly, even as a grown ass fucking man.  She still put FEAR in me.  (HA).  What I want to get to without trying to sound to emo, I learned the hard way to cherish those around you cause you never know... shit happens.  Its a real undescribable feeling that I have yet to make peace with that yet.  Theres a whole lot of guilt and sadness from that.  Now you probably heard of that saying" cherish those around you, cause you never know if its the last time you'll see them, you'll never know when, and thats a stone cold FACT JACK!  If you are reading this just learn from me, I mean I had three fucking chances with three people,, to really say goodbye, but didnt.  Missed two of the funerals, but my Grandmas I was spooked dude, staright fucking spooked, took me till the end of the viewing to grow some nerve just to approach the casket.  I tell you what dude I broke down, broke the fuck down.  I don't think it was her laying in the casket as much as it was the regret coming to me for not spending more time with her or atleast a phone call.  If you never experienced  death in life, let me tell you that alone is painful, but the guilt I have for not saying goodbye is a hundred times worst.  Dont think Im telling you to act like everyone is gonna drop dead, for a lack of better words, but after you see or talk to someone you care for , maybe tell them how much you love them or how much you appreciate them. 

Food for thought before I end this post,  When your time comes, and you pass,  how do you want to be remebered?

Love And Peace Dudes and Dudettes,


  1. I totally agree on the heroin comment and that life is a learning journey. The winds of change blow and where they take us we do not know...I'm glad to hear you express your sorrow, love, and grief over the loss of dear friends and family, and I hope you can release any blame or guilt you have for yourself because I am sure they are sending you forgiveness from the other side. What a great lesson you had to learn. Cherish the ones you love! I'm so glad I have an awesome brother like you to remind me how much I love you and all the family : ) Solstice Party - Philly - 12/21/12 - be there!

  2. BTW- burn my ass and sprinkle the ashes under a tree